FLASHCARDS OF DOOM!!!!!!

I try to be a good mom, I do. But every once in a while, my best efforts backfire. So, the kid had been kind of interested in the multiplication tables this summer -- and I, never being one to miss one of those "teachable moments" I've heard so much about in the parenting magazines, rushed out to buy him a set of flash cards.

Only I appear to have accidentally purchased the FLASHCARDS OF DOOM. These flashcards are so dangerous that they will not only teach your kid math, but they will also risk his life and limb in ways previously unimagined!

These flashcards are so bada$$ that they came with their own "CAUTION MESSAGE". I kid you not. The message reads, in part:

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILD UNATTENDED WHEN USING THESE FLASH CARDS!

(You might wonder why, as I did. Well, it's because...)

THROWING OR SWING THE CARDS AROUND MAY BE DANGEROUS AND CAUSE INJURY!!!!

DO NOT STAND OR STEP ON THE CARDS. DOING SO MAY CAUSE INJURY FROM SLIPPAGE!!!!!!

The flashcards also came with the world's most dangerous pen. A pen so dangerous that its

CAP AND OTHER SMALL PARTS MAY INDUCE CHOKING.

I should take a moment to point out that there are no other small parts in this flashcard set, so I assume they mean small parts in general. Also, the pen cap is tiny. You could totally swallow it without choking.

It also suggests that supervising parents should

PLEASE USE SPECIAL CAUTION WITH LEFT-HANDED CHILDREN. I don't know what kind of special caution here, but being left-handed myself -- and knowing that we lefties are rare-and-thus-valuable, I applaud this.

Anyway, I'm off to contact the appropriate authorities to get statistics on flashcard-related emergency room visits.

And people say math is boring.